🦩 Burlesque Special Issue: G7.5 – Slopes of Sovereignty 🇨🇦 “Live from Kananaskis: Where Global Diplomacy Goes Off-Piste”
📍 Official G7 Venue: Kananaskis Country, Alberta — Canadian Rockies
📍 Nearby Unofficial Venue: Nakiska Ski Resort — now informally known as “The Axis of Après-Ski”
DAY ONE: G7 SUMMIT LIFTS OFF
06/15/25 — World Leaders Touch Down
Donald Trump, back in the saddle, exits Air Force One with skis over his shoulder and shouts, “Great slopes, terrible trade deals!”
Keir Starmer awkwardly adjusts to the mountain air and summit theatrics.
Mark Carney, freshly installed as PM, offers economic forecasts and thermal mittens.
Shigeru Ishiba politely bows before vanishing into a nearby pine grove with a notebook.
Friedrich Merz says little, but insists his skis are “precision-engineered.”
Giorgia Meloni brings espresso, attitude, and a mysterious gold-plated sled.
Emmanuel Macron arrives with holographic aides and a Dior snowcape.
Ursula von der Leyen glides in by dogsled, trailed by EU flags and a symphonic AI interpreter.
Uninvited but unfazed…
At the Nakiska summit, a parallel gathering:
Xi Jinping appears astride a robotic elk named Harmony-9, flanked by silent drones.
Putin, bare-chested again, declares “Every mountain has a Kremlin.”
Elon Musk, freshly tattooed with a QR code linking to MarsBase’s Terms of Service, skis in reverse “for innovation.”
DAY TWO: PARALLEL POWDER
06/16/25 — G7 Talks Begin
AI alignment, climate targets, and supply chain sovereignty dominate the official agenda.
Trump derails a session asking if “the EU even skis.”
Carney suggests a carbon coin. Macron proposes it be scented.
Ishiba quietly draws a samurai skiing through economic uncertainty.
Meloni challenges Macron to a snowball duel. EU protocol freezes.
Meanwhile, over glacial wine and Siberian fondue at Nakiska’s summit lodge:
Xi unveils the Snow Cloud Initiative — encrypted high-altitude messaging via snowfall.
Putin proposes “Powder Patrol” — a new peacekeeping ski force.
Elon introduces “SkiFi,” a Neuralink app that lets you “feel the mountain vote.”
They dub themselves: G3 – The Frost Frontier.
DAY THREE: CRACKS IN THE ICE
06/17/25 — G7 Declaration Issued
Vows to “urgently consider accelerated action” by 2042.
Macron insists on “symbolic metrics.”
Starmer proposes a working group to define “working group.”
At Nakiska:
Tensions melt into hilarity as an impromptu Limbo Rock Contest breaks out on the ski lodge patio.
A yellow bar is rigged between two ski poles.
Meloni stretches like a cat under pressure.
Trump nearly topples backward, declaring, “Nobody’s ever limboed better than me—believe me.”
Macron gets stuck halfway and blames it on gravity inequality.
Von der Leyen twirls under the bar while quoting EU charter clauses.
Ishiba, perfectly silent, clears the bar in one fluid motion.
Mark Carney charts a forecast curve with each dip.
Xi, Putin, and Elon, watching from the hot tub above, hold up scorecards: 6.5, 9, and “∞” respectively.
Final Round:
Meloni vs. Ishiba.
The bar is snowflake-thin.
Meloni slides under with a victorious smirk.
Ishiba nods respectfully and retreats to his sketchbook.
Limbo Sovereignty secured.
Moments later, a red balloon floats down. Inside it:
“Dinner for One. Planet for Three.”
POSTSCRIPT: A NEW COLD OPEN?
As G7 leaders depart, the slopes stay hot:
Xi conducts silent meditation facing the glacier.
Putin skis into the woods with a walkie-talkie and disappears.
Elon, snow in beard, whispers: “This was a beta test.”
Honestly, I’d watch this entire summit as a Netflix political satire series. The Axis of Après-Ski is Emmy-worthy.